grandpa grunt

One of the God-Awful things about getting older is the dreaded Colonoscopy or as I call it, the "up-your-butt-a-recto my". You guessed it, my time has come and gone but I got another clean bill of health.


However when I go through those exams I always remember my grandpa. Grandma called him "Grandpa Grunt". He came by the nickname naturally enough by spending hours on the pot grunting.

In his later years, his whole life was eating, preparing to poop and then grunting for hours until he did.

In fact he made so much noise that grandma made him build an outhouse in the forest behind their house. Because he was ornery he only built the bench and he put it where grandma could see him from the kitchen window. She could barely hear him but when she looked out the window there he was in all his glory setting on the bench with both hands and both feet pushing down as hard as he could to give him leverage to complete his mission. In those days they did not know about Diverticulitis or as I like to call it "Diver-balloon-i-osis". Little balloons are formed in the intestine walls from pushing extra hard to create a bowel movement. Grandpa had never been told that he could cause this problem so he continued to eat and push. I believe he pushed so hard for so long that he created balloons in his stomach big enough to cause him to levitate. That's right, he would levitate. He would be grunting and pushing there on his bench and all of the sudden he would rise up into the air and then he would settle back down on the bench to complete his mission. I think he was to embarrassed to tell anyone about it but grandma would see him go up and say, “Grandpa has to stand half way up to complete his duty" She thought his feet were still on the ground but they weren't, he was levitating. It was obvious that some combination of the food he was eating created gases. The balloon pockets got big enough to hold enough gas to make him rise or as I said, he would levitate.



On the day after the Thanksgiving of 19 and 26 grandpa was having more trouble than usual and his grunts became actual screams. He was pushing so hard and creating so much gas that he began to levitate but this time he didn't come back down. He just kept going up. A half naked man levitated into the air and disappeared over the horizon. We never saw grandpa again. No one knows where he ended up or what happened to him. Grandma heard his screams and looked out the window just in time to see him disappear over the horizon. She believed the Angels came and took him away. I believe he rose so high that the balloons in his stomach exploded and he became fertilizer for some farmer’s field. However, that is just my theory.

scouting

I have no idea why Mr. Barns chose that time of year to take the trip.  I never questioned it and I guess no else did either.  I know none of the other guys did.  I know my parents didn't.  They were always glad to see me go on a scouting trip.  Later, when it was all over, everyone questioned it.  Bert's dad, Mr. Johnson, was livid.  His pudgy red cheeks were puffed out more than normal and he glared at Mr. Barns with eyes that bulged out of face like and frog.  He shouted, "how could you put these boys in that kind of danger?"  "You should have know better, Bud".  "These boys" were sitting in the back, ready to be called upon to answere questions if necessary.  "These boys" were the local scout troup that I belonged to.  "These boys" were all giggling about Mr. Barns being on the hot seat.  Mr. Barns was our scout master.  It wasn't that didn't like Mr. Barns.  If fact we thatought he was great.  He was more like one of us than an adult.  We called  him Bud on the trips and he made the trips fun.  We were giggling because it was like one of us getting in trouble.
It was strange how the parents were all upset after the trip but no one questioned it before we left.  However  not all of the parents were upset.  Most were just glad we were home safe.  My dad said. "calm down Johnson, the boys are fine and no one was hurt."  "Yes, but they could have all drowned" Mrs. Cox said from the back of the room.

The meeting, the fuss, was about the scouting trip we had just returned from or rather the scouting trip that we had just been rescued from.  "Harrietta's right", Mrs. Reed chirped in.  "They could have drowned".  "We thought you knew better Bud"

But, Mr. Barns said in a voice that was low and nervous, "that storm was a fluke".  "How Could I have known it was coming"

Bobby, Tim and me were sitting together in the back of the meeting.  We giggled amd poked each other.  To us it was just another childhood adventure.  Bobby poked Carl Reed Jr.sitting just in front of us.  "Hey Waddups, Bobby said.  You need a hanky?"  Waddups, Carl Reed Jr., never responded.  He was still embarassed about the trip.  He had been scared and cried and wanted his mother.  No one could cry for their mother on a scouting trip and not get teased about it for a long time.

The lightning flashed and the thunder crashed and boomed after it flashed.  We were in the middle of it.  I mean right in the middle of a cloud burst.  We were high in the Uinta mountains of Utah.  The clouds were right on top of us and the rain was more like a water fall.  The sky would light up, one flash right after the other.  The thunder would explode instantlay right after the flash. You can tell how far away the lightning is by counting.  One second for every mile.  Ther were no seconds.  Flash, Crash, boom all coming at the same instance. The ground would shake and our tents would shudder.  The truth was that we were all scared as hell.  Waddups wasn't the only one that wanted his mother.

The other truth was that Bud, Mr. Barns, was more of a hero than a bad scout master.  He had felt the storm coming.  He had seen the clouds getting darker and lower.  He had felt the air getting colder.  So did we but he knew we were in for a storm.  He also knew what to do.  He made us move our camp from the trees to an open area on a small hill.  He had us pitch our tents just below the top to give us some break from the wind.  He had us bank the tents so water would run around and by the tents not under them.

The cloud burst lasted for thirty minutes but the rain, thunder and lightning went  on for hours.  The cloud burst almost washed out our tents but not quite.  The next morning we packed up and started back down the mountain but were unable to cross a swollen river.  We made camp and stayed there until someone came looking for us.  In those days there were no cell phones.
 Like I said, it was really an adventure for us.

After the whole story came out, Mr Barns was obsolved of doing anything wrong and continued to be our scout master.  However he made us quite teasing Carl about the storm.