The Outhouse by Stan

When I went to my 50th high school reunion I found out that one of my best friends in high school, Larry Sheriff, collected outhouses and pictures of outhouses. I thought, wow what a different hobby, I would never have thought of that. I have never really been enamored with outhouses. In fact, other than being a good joke subject, I have always been glad I did not have to use them. However, we all use them at major events where thousands of people are gathered. The worst part of those events is standing in line waiting for your turn to be grossed out. It is a take off on Russian roulette. You pray you get one that smells somewhat ok and doesn't have you know what all over the seat. Hopefully you can get in and get out in less time than you can hold your breath. In fact I usually begin training for outhouse usage at least 2 weeks before I go to a major sporting event. Every time I use my clean spic and span home bathroom, I hold my breath and practice getting in and out as fast as I can. Obviously my wife is sure I am completely off my rocker. I think I am only being prudent but she says I am over stating the issue. I do not think she remembers our soccer tournament days. She should because she is the reason we were there. She played soccer on tournament teams. We went to tournaments from San Diego to San Francisco and points east. Of course the relief spots were mostly the good old "outhouse". Now I have never personally seen this but I have been told that women do not plant their derrieres directly on the pot. They hover, and from the results I have seen, they must hover from about 30 feet. It is absolutely, "I have not the words to describe it". I do not think I have to because we have all witnessed it and "cor Blimey" smelled it. I once thought that I would be able to get rich if I invented a bombing device for women that was patterned after the bombing device that the Air force uses. After all, if bombers can hit a target from 5 miles above the earth then we should be able to create a device that would help a women from 12 inches (?). Now I realize that I am treading where no man should tread. After all we are the ones who are always under fire for our poor aim. That is exactly why I am making my point about the women.. Men are bad but women can be atrocious. There is another thing about outhouses that has always bothered me. A lot of them had two and sometimes three holes. I have always wondered about that. How did they determine who was to use it at the same time? Mom & dad, mom and daughter, Dad and daughter, or maybe son and daughter? Did they all have the urge at the same time or did one or the other hold it so they could have "quality time" together? It is a real mystery to me. Think about this. Why, if the two or three holers worked, didn't they put two or three commodes in a bathroom when they finally could move them indoors. I know I would have liked that. I grew up in a home with one bathroom and spent a lot of time crossing my legs, dancing and hollering for my sisters to hurry up and get of the "can". Larry, I defer all these issues to you. Maybe you can find the answers written on one of your outhouse walls. Do not get me wrong Larry, I think collecting outhouses is a fine hobby. Just do not collect any that have been at a women's soccer tournament.