bitter is the taste
One was
Mellowed and aged to perfection
The perfect combination of vine and sun
The perfection of taste and value
the other was
Picked to soon
Before it was ripe and ready to age
The taste was bitter not sweet
They were
Mixed to be as one
Only to turn sour
Before
real love
could mellow
and grow
and age in the sun
could mellow
and grow
and age in the sun
love grows and mellows and is sweet
they met when young
both aging on the vine
their love shy and innocent
they married and lived as one
they grew and ripened as one
they grew and ripened as one
their love hot and complete
they raised their children
and mellowed with age
and mellowed with age
their love warm and quiet
they grew old as one
creating an aroma of love
creating an aroma of love
their love knowing and silent
old lovers they were
the perfect cohesion of man and wife
the perfect cohesion of man and wife
their love in their souls
they are one and have learned to know
real love
I like how you are working with this metaphor. There is a sensual quality to the images. A couple of thoughts for you:
ReplyDeleteStanza 1: Try to come up with another word for perfect - (ideal?)
so not to repeat.
Stanza 2: Love "picked too soon". Note spelling of too.
Stanza 3: They were mixed (both mixed - the perfect and the bitter or are you referring to the bitter relationship? This is a bit unclear. If it is a continuation of Stanza 2 then don't separate.
The poem flows at the end after "they met when young"
Try to come up with another word for "one" at the end of the 2nd sentence. "They grew and ripened (in the sun?)
The line "Old lovers they were" is fabulous!
Try to find another word for cohesion - stay with the sensual language - flavor, bouquet (as in wine), blending, (Use a thesaurus to help you find similar words. This is a great tool for a writer)
What a beautiful, romantic love poem.