The Imposible Dream - Connie

August 28, 2010 Connie Wolf This is what I wrote for my last assignment for our on-line class. It is not what I posted there, that's another story but it is what I wrote so I'll post it here, where I feel safe:
Assignment: If it weren’t impossible I’d…..
If it weren’t impossible I would make the whole world laugh. My gift to the world would be a giggle, a chuckle, an “I can’t catch my breath” belly laugh. I would write a world-wide column that would be translated in every language, printed in every newspaper the world over. It would miraculously transcend all cultural, regional, and social differences.
My little essays on the absurdity of the human condition would be reprinted in an anthology that would sky rocket to the top of every imaginable Best Sellers list. It would stay there, on top, year after year. It would be outsold only by the Bible. This would be accomplished without one personal appearance without a single interview and without a book tour. I would be allowed to cling to my privacy, maintain my anonymity and revel in my solitude.
Eventually, I would stretch my creative muscle and write a novel. This novel would be filled with laughter and tears, touching the hearts of my loyal readers. The book will be made into a Tony award winning play that will go on to break all records on Broadway. Inevitably it will be translated to the silver screen. This story, like most first novels was somewhat biographical and the heroine, a thinly disguised me. My character would be played by Julia Roberts, perhaps? Maybe Sandra Bullock, or more likely, played by Kathy Bates. It would have to be an actress that can laugh at herself, could laugh at the entire human predicament. I would like this laughter to transcend gender and maybe be played by Hugh Grant; I love his satirical British humor. Better yet, I’ll remain a woman but transcend cultural and ethnicity barriers, I could be played by Queen Latifah.
Forgive the digression; let us get back to matter at hand, making the whole world laugh. The only public appearance I would even consider making would be the presentation of a personal monologue, a sort of underplayed stand up routine. My routine would never rely on obscenity or stoop to cruelty. I would play only for the masses, no smoky late night comedy clubs for me. I would make a DVD from a performance given to a conference of PTA mothers. I would distribute it for free. I would appear only on daytime television. Maybe Oprah or Ellen or better yet, PBS, never would I appear on late night or cable TV. I want to share laughter with hospice and assisted living centers, in cancer wards and prisons, in soup kitchens and in the waiting room at the DMV, God knows those people could use some distraction. My audience would be old, fat, and tired like me but I would also reach out to the young and struggling, the lonely, the misunderstood. I would share laughter not at the Four Seasons but at the Sizzler, not at the Hilton but at Motel Six, and not in the Big Apple, on the Las Vegas strip nor an exclusive resort on Maui, no I will perform in Pittsburg, Bakersfield and Kingman Arizona.
I would be ignored by the Pulitzer, rejected by the National Book Award and, of course, shunned by the Nobel. I would accrue my honors from the P.T.A., from Parents without Partners and Overeaters Anonymous. I would be overjoyed if I could lighten the load of twelve step programs everywhere. Let others grace the pages of the New Yorker; I will proudly publish my quips in the Pennysaver. I will broadcast on AM radio stations played in the drive up window of McDonalds, the waiting room for Mammograms and piped through ear phones in the dentist’s chair. I’ll do warm-up acts for Weight Watcher’s Meetings, for Neighborhood Watch and Tupperware parties. I will be your “Everywoman”.
If it was only possible, I would make the whole world laugh.